I’ve heard it said countless times that we should be “hard on ideas and soft on people.” This means we should be relentless in interrogating proposals to ensure they meet the standards and goals of our organizations, while also being gentle and kind with the one’s proposing the ideas.
While I generally agree with this cliché, it’s harder in practice than it may appear. I’ll give you an example.
In my lofty position as the Treasurer of a neighborhood association, I’m in charge of presenting a monthly financial report. In each meeting I ask for feedback on this report to help answer people’s questions proactively.
Recently a fellow board member took me up on this and suggested I make a small change to the report to improve its readability. It was actually a pretty good idea. But as they made this suggestion, I felt myself getting defensive – as if this minor edit was an attack on my abilities. How could they be so arrogant to think they know better than me and to attack my character in this way?!
You have most likely encountered similar feelings in yourself when colleagues are being hard on your ideas – no matter how soft they think they’re being on the people – namely, you. Despite having specifically requested feedback on this report, it was in many ways – my baby. As people engaged in civic life, we must recognize that we are not fundamentally logical beings. We bring our emotions to every conversation and as a result, must lead with humility.
To cultivate this skill, try giving some thought to your perception of the skills you possess.
- What are some areas of your work where it would be especially difficult for you to receive critique?
- What projects are you most proud of and what would it feel like for someone to oppose them?
Getting in touch with our own reactions can prepare us for the inevitable future when someone has a better (or more popular) idea that the one you’ve proposed. A tiny democracy filled with humble leaders won’t get bogged down in personality problems. Instead, they’ll be able to recognize the emotions at play as an indicator of how much each person cares about their community and wants to do the right thing. At the end of the day, that underlying motivation is most important.