We’ve all seen a Karen – or her male equivalent, a Chad. The outraged citizen who creates a public ruckus because some small need wasn’t met to their specifications. Unfortunately, if you work in local government, you probably get more than your fair share of Karen-esque interactions.
So how do you deal with them? You employ the same techniques used by hostage negotiators. After all, the Karen is holding you and others hostage with their outrage. (And, usually, ignorance.)
Who are Karen and Chad?
(No shade, I didn’t come up with the names. I have great friends named Karen and Chad.)
Typically, a Karen or Chad falls under one of these three categories.
- A person who’s entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is appropriate or necessary.
- A person who cares more about how something is impacting them than society as a whole.
- A person who gets involved in issues and situations that are none of their business.
Negotiating like the FBI
Once you’re approached by a Karen, follow the FBI Hostage Strategy to de-escalate the situation. These five steps may feel counterintuitive, mostly because they take winning off the table. So before you get started, remember your job is to “shut up and listen.” You don’t want to convince them of anything – no winning! – but you do want to try to understand the other person.
Step 1.
Listen actively. This means, listen without judging. One way to do this is by “mirroring,” which means tuning in to the other person’s frequency by subtly following their body movements and hand gestures. It’s not mimicry. It signals empathy.
Step 2.
Find empathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see their frustration. You don’t have to agree in order to acknowledge. For example, it likely is aggravating that a parking lot is small or a new shopping center will disrupt their morning walk.
Step 3.
Establish rapport. Once you see and understand their frustration, motives and objectives, you can respond in kind with words that will resonate with them. You aren’t manipulating them. You’re trying to adopt their rationale. Say things like, “I hear you.” Or “I get it.”
Step 4.
Try to influence. Let go of the typical way we think of influence. It’s not sway. It’s problem solving. You understand their objective and you’ve shown a willingness to help them achieve it. Now, you work to reframe their objectives in a way that addresses a behavioral change. Think of it this way – you’re on the same team and now you’re going to tackle the challenge.
Step 5.
Behavior change. Usually, this is where we start. We dive in and try to change their behavior while things are still heated. The truth: It doesn’t work. Once you’ve heard them, strived to understand them, verbally acknowledged their pain – THEN you suggest alternatives. Is there a different place they can park? A different route they can walk while construction is underway?
This approach isn’t easy. It asks that we suspend our ego and check our arrogance at the door. It requires us to try to understand someone we likely don’t agree with. Finally, it demands patience. We need to hear them first – and we may not want to do that.
I try to remind myself that working with the public demands that we hear them out and understand them. Services are supported by their tax dollars. They own a piece of the pie. They have a right to be heard.
But they don’t have a right to hold you hostage.
So that’s why you negotiate like you work for the FBI.