We presume ourselves to be rational people, and sometimes we are. But how many times are we rushed into a conversation with a fire in our belly, ready to take down our opponent? I certainly have. And sometimes, facts be damned!
Not many of us really enjoy conflict. Conflict means confrontation and both of those put us in an uncomfortable place.
I was listening to a podcast recently about a person who went to Coffee shops asking for 10% discounts on his orders. About half the baristas gave him the 10% and the other half confronted him by asking why and then didn’t give it to him. His reasoning, he said, was to get comfortable with confrontation. By asking for something with a small gain and almost non-existent loss, he was able to get used to rejection and conflict.
Fascinating, isn’t it? Could any of you do that?
Five paths forward
Thomas-Kilmann has five approaches to resolving conflict: avoiding, accommodating, compromising, competing, and collaborating. I’ve done all of these at different points, as I’m sure all of you have. If I were the barista who was asked for the 10% discount on a coffee, I’d probably accommodate by appeasing the customer and just give the discount.
It seems like when frustrations or emotions get boiling, many people just avoid commenting altogether. Instead of challenging an idea or comment, instead of diving deep and having a conversation about it, silence makes the other person think they’re right. And over time, we’ve created this divisive society where everyone thinks they’re right and we close our listening skills. If you don’t agree with me, then you’re against me.
Not only are we a divisive society, but there’s so much information overload and disinformation out there, that we no longer trust the facts we have. For those in City government and as public engagement professionals, a lack of trust creates our worst nightmare— disengagement. So how do we bridge the gap? How do we create engagement and build trust?
The Queen bee, Goddess of Emotions, Brené Brown said it best, “Trust is earned in the smallest of moments. It is earned not through heroic deeds, or even highly visible actions, but through paying attention, listening, and gestures of genuine care and connection.”
All about FOCUS
The FOCUS model is a discussion tool best used when facts aren’t at the forefront of a conversation and instead, it gives participants the space to share their stories and build consensus together.
FRUSTRATIONS – What do you think? What are you frustrated about in this situation?
OBSTACLES/BARRIERS – What’s making you feel this way?
CONSEQUENCES – What are the consequences if nothing changes?
UTOPIA – What’s the best situation for all of us?
SATISFACTION – If we could change one thing, what would it be?
This model gives participants space to share what they’re individually frustrated about in order to gain perspective and discover shared values. The technique shifts from the individual to the collective in Consequences and beyond to process what the fallout could be to the entire group – and what could be done to prevent that situation by prompting questions about the best solution moving forward.
Frustrations and Obstacle questions dive into the underlying problems and to identify issues. Utopian and Satisfaction questions encourage participants to make recommendations that can be used to address the problem.
These approaches may not make us enjoy conflict anymore. But they do offer a framework for navigating it. And that’s the first step toward resolution.